Why I never had girlfriends
After watching the completely fabulous Arden Rose's video entitled 'why i never have girl friends' (link), something within me sparked. I finally related to someone. I wasn't the only one who 'didn't have girl friends'. And then I realised why I love the internet so much. You'll always find someone with the same problems, issues, thoughts, insecurities & overall feels on life. You're never alone, never experiencing something that no-one else has gone through before. I felt so connected to someone who I'd never met before & it gave me an overwhelming amount of new confidence I've not felt in a long time. I didn't feel like an outsider, like I was strange for never having had a solid, foundation circle of girl friends before. I thought I'd tell my own story related to this as I'm now 1000% certain I'm not the only one who wasn't surrounded by galdem growing up.
Both primary & high school saw me have very few friends. I knew 'people', I didn't have 'friends'. Not what I would describe as friends, anyway. Sure, I had people I'd sit with in class, hang out with at lunch (sometimes) and talk to. But no actual friends, or girl friends at least. My school was quite rough, there was alot of 'try hards', as there always is in high schools. But when I compare mine to others, I feel mine was paticularly fake, the girls I mean. They were all quite 'cliquey'. They had their own groups and that was cool. I wasn't a pretty popular girl, a doctor who fan, a book nerd or a sporty type. I saw these and didn't identify with any of them. I was just me, but I felt like an outsider. I didn't once ever fit into these groups. I didn't sit with a group at lunch or have people to go out with after school. I never did the whole 'lets get drunk in the park' 'lets go the cinema together' type of thing. Not once. Honestly high school is rough enough as is but without friends around you it made it a whole lot worse. I didn't really understand why they all had such set, tight-knit friendship groups and I just didn't. I would hang around with maybe one or two girls whilst in school, of who flitted between friendships. None of which were proper 'friend' friends. They were mostly the new girls that didn't know anyone and I saw them as friend opportunities 'cause they didn't see me as 'the uncool kid'. I found it difficult to make friends. By the point that I'd recognised I didn't have any real girl friends, I believed that I was the problem. It lead me to believe that I was the reason. No one deemed be worthy to be their friend. Why would they want me to be their friend when they had all these other fabulous people who were much prettier, skinner & nicer than me. Etc. It was pretty rough, honestly. But I see now that I just didn't relate to these people. I wasn't like them. I was actually better off alone. As nice as it would have been at the time to have some girl friends, if they didn't accept me for me and I felt like I had to essentially 'change' to get them to like me, then I'm glad I didn't.
I basically didn't have a solid foundation group of friends growing up. To keep it short, this was the same throughout sixth form & college. This shocks people now when I say I don't talk to anyone from my primary school, high school, sixth form or college. I just didn't 'fit in'. I'm not saying this so I look all 'oh I'm all unique quirky and didn't wanna hang out with the popular dolls', not at all. I just always felt like an outsider, honestly. This leads into a whole load of other self confidence/body confidence/social issues that ain't gonna make an appearance here, we ain't gettin' that deep lads. Lets keep it galdem focused.
As stereotypical as it is, I got on better with the fellas. I have a specific personality. It's dark, it's sav & full of banter. And I love it. It's basically a lads personality. I use self-depreciating, savage & strong humour. I like gaming, being outside & getting messy. I'm very strong-minded, outspoken & beyond down to earth. I'll chat about anything & everything, never shying away from any topic. I'm human, basically. Fellas, generally, have this approach to life. I found it so much easier to converse with them, to have jokes with them & to feel like they accepted me. I didn't have to worry about lookin' cute, being pretty or having perfect makeup. I could be me. Guys are chill and it's easy for me to talk to them. Not in an I want all the aubergine emoji all the time way, no no. I just genuinely find it easy with guys. I still do today. They're grim and it's such a raw human approach to life which I completely love. Don't get me wrong, I like lookin' cute and shit but life isn't about that for me. I always fought this when I was younger, questioning why I didn't 'fit in' or have the same tame, reserved, self-conscious humour and approach to life as other gals. I tried alot to be like them, in the hope I may create a friendship out of it. In hindsight, I'm so glad this all fucked up. I'm glad I came out of it without any gal pals. Because they would have been fake, essentially. Lots of gals still take this approach to life today, but I identify that early and shy away from them. I know my people and who I can relate to.
As shit as it was in school years, it's different now. All those times after school that I spent with my Mum instead of going out with friends, those lunches I spent alone in the toilets, that time I managed to get one friend to go with me to prom, it was all worth it. I honestly wouldn't change any of it. Cheesy, yes, but it did actually make me such a strong person today. I like creating deep, honest & open connections with people. I'm know now I'm older and met the right fantabulous people there are dolls out there with my humour. And they're bloody fantastic. Not growing up surrounded by friends, specifically girl friends has made me so picky with those who I chose now. I value & appreciate them so much, I honestly feel grateful for every friend I have. I know the true value of friendships. I know who is worth my time, whether it's going to be an actual real, raw friendship or whether it's just someone you 'know'. For as long as I can remember, everyone always said 'it's better to have a few close friends than many acquaintances', and this is the truth. My pals now are better than I could have ever imagined friends to be and I feel so, so lucky to have met fellow complete idiots who can be complete pricks with me and talk about anything & everything to at any and all times. They're ma pals, they know & accept me for me. They see me for who I am. Nothing about the friendships is fake, we're all just who we are and accept & love each other for all our dirty little flaws. I attracted them cause I accepted myself, I didn't try and change any part of my personality. I let my sarcy little self show through and I brought good people to me.
Stay true to ya self gals. Have a little self love and only let good people in.