More often than not at the moment I'm finding myself a little bogged down. Uni stress, life & personal events have all been beyond overwhelming at the moment and I just felt like I needed to take just a min. Well, maybe more than a min. Maybe I need a month long hol & a bit of a switch-off, but alas I am in the uni prison until May.
Despite all of this, I am still able to appreciate every little thing. That's something I've always been good at, rationalising a situation. Looking at it from a realistic perspective. Understanding that even though everything is shite, not everything is shite. I thought I'd share just a few things that I previously used to think I 'needed' for happiness, but now I am happy not having in my life. Seems strange, appreciating the things you don't have but previously wanted. But I can recognise that yeah, I don't have these things, but I'm still happy. 'Happy' is pushing it, but I'm surviving. Just. Final year lads holla.
The perfect body
I'm going to sound like a right old soul but 'nowadays' it really is tough not to compare your body to others. I try my hardest to love & appreciate what I've got. That I've got all my limbs, a heart that beats,10 fingers & 10 toes. Yet it's easy to get caught up in the image of the 'perfect body'. I used to be so, so bothered by this. Thinking to myself that yes, if I had a perfect body, maybe some abs, if my thighs had a bit less cellulite and if my nose wasn't such a beak, I'd feel happier. Erm, no. Lol. Absolutely no. Self-love & happiness comes from within, for me anyway. Sure, if I was maybe a couple of pounds lighter I could wear a crop top and not worry about whether a potential roll is making a visit. But there's so much more to life than this. Sam jokes that he can 'grab my stomach with two hands' or that it 'takes two cameras to take a picture of my stomach' but it's bollocks. A comment that would have made me beyond coke-levels of para a while back, now I couldn't care less. Let those insta dolls eat a diet suited for a toddlers appetite, I like wagas & a strong fat:sugar ratio in my food. That's cool.
A couple of years ago if someone handed me keys to a range rover I'd have given up my home and lived in it. Now, not so much. Don't get me wrong, cool cars are beautiful and swish and make you look like you earn mega £££ but jesus christ the MPG is a no-go. Hand me a 70mpg golf and I'd probs weep. Save the planet the planet saves you etc. Sure a fab wardrobe, preferably one that isn't filled with dog-slobber-stained jeans, tops far too bobbly they're past their throw-out sell by date and the only one pair of shoes I wear daily would be cute. But it isn't everything. When I have some spare dolla that isn't going on the essentials like petrol, dog bills and food I'll update it maybe a bit. But for now it works, it ain't necessary. Just a couple of new things from topshop would make me happy. No thoughts whatsoever towards designer stuff. Not for me. Simple gal easy to please.
Attention from the ladz
When I was younger I used to feel a little too much gratification from male attention. It wasn't the right kind of feeling tho, I think anyway. It was 'omg a guy is actually interested in me, I'm not ugly after all omg how can I make him want me more'. Lol like how depressing that is to type and admit is just not great in itself, but the validation I felt was so unhealthy. Now, for example, if a fella looks at me in an 'oh aye' way I'm like 'cool'. I'm not interested as I have my own mess of a fella, but it's nice of course. It isn't the be all and end all. I want someone who finds me attractive for my personality, values & soul-not exterior image.
To not have traveled everywhere
I used to constantly feel left out from the 'rich popular kids' when they were getting off to Florida for their summer holz when we made repeated trips to Europe, primarily Spain or Turkey. From where I originate, this kinda puts you in the 'not so well off but still trying, kinda' spectrum of fam. Not cool when you're a kiddo, and it spiked alot of jel. But how I think of it is, sure they had cool hols and saw shit, but it musta cost hella £££ for those fam to take their squadron on long haul, in summer hols. Like nah. I'm glad we saved a bit, were savvy and put it in savings. But maybe that's just me being dull. I can go those places now sure (if I save intensely and don't eat for like, a bit) but I get to chose when, where and how long. It's all in my hands and I'm free to explore. I've done the arguably 'basic' places and yeah sure, I do want to explore, but it isn't the end of the world if I haven't done it by the time I'm 25 all paid for by daddio. I'll see everywhere if and when I want to. Not having globe trotted and stroked a sedated tiger by the age of 23 is cool with me.
For it to all be going swimmingly
Basically life ain't going fab atm. But that's cool. Sure, I'd probs be a lil happier if it was all going swimmingly, but these shitty times make me appreciate the happy, less dramacenny times. It's my path, what I'm meant to experience and learn lessons from. It's all a learning curve, I'm constantly evolving and assessing my situation, leaning from mistakes. It'll all work out in the end, maybe I'm just needing a little longer to get there.
Honestly that was wonderfully cathartic writing that. Getting it all out. I love a little reflective time, seeing how I've grown and where my now priorities & values lie. What I now appreciate.